art rambling

just got done painting. gonna call it a night. it's almost 2am. i don't want to sleep in til noon, so i need to sleep. my painting's looking tragically rough right now. still very early in its stage. right now i'm just color blocking everything. every time i start to paint something i always fear that i have forgotten everything i know and that i won't be able to produce something of a certain quality. i always fear that my glory days have past and that this one will be my decline in ability. but it all works out in the end. it ends up becoming more than i ever realized. The difficulty of this piece has decreased. i'm not left with the naked, raw feelings screaming out at me from each glued page. i don't see the sentences so much as just seeing the words. and now it's not even the meaningful words. just words. there's a certain distance between me and the words that were written. Right now my figure is looking to trendy and perfect to speak up for me. i just can't find the right girl, the right face. i can't think of whose face i need. i see the emotion, the feeling, i just can't see the face. i'll know it when i see it, but i haven't found it yet. more distance grows between the emotions and the mere art. right now my girl looks vulnerable, kind of lamb-like. kind of bundled and huddled up together, not shriveled up and mournful. i hope i can get my message across. it is very important to me that i do. little words disappearing without even a trace. no notice, no warning. the i love yous slip off the page never to be seen again, much like the real letters, stuffed and buried away in a drawer or envelope you will never read. good bye, love; and hope and emotions and peace and the old way of life. you have disappeared much like the pain and suffering behind this canvas. i can't believe this was so hard. and now it is merely a bright, purpose and yet unpurposefully driven task. a hobby or craft, if you will. should that make me sad? or should i care? i have to just rememebr to stay true to what this FEELS like, not how it is dictated to look. i need to remember what I WANT it to do, not how i am told to do it. I take hold and MAKE it show what i want it to show. otherwise, it's just another stupid 'pretty picture' that has no meaning. and for all the pain and grief i put into this, i want it to work. i want it to still whisper and flutter past your ears every time you look at it. i achieved a mark a few weeks ago, because i made someone hurt to look at it. they couldn't look at it. ha. mission accomplished. yet, can i do that now? the words, the strongest, loudest, most horrible cries have subsided. can i do the same with a drawing?? i hope so. until then, we'll just keep on working on it. see how it goes.